Living That Single Life

Have a meeting of like Minds!

cmartin002@zoomtown.com (charlala) — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 20:23:00 +0000

Chemistry is about more than just looks and the hormones pulsing through our bodies. It's also about the mental connection — the way we fit together emotionally and intellectually with a person.

Some may say that chemistry is even more about the mental than the physical, at least where lasting love is concerned. Whatever your verdict, finding someone whose mind you like should be as much of a priority as their physical characteristics are.

To increase your chances of a meeting of the minds, get involved in activities that stimulate your brain. While couples certainly can complement each other, there's a lot to be said for shared interests in a relationship. Sometimes bookish people look for adventurers, or accountants want to date artists, but exploring an activity that speaks to you and your talents may provide a better chance of finding a person you click with — someone on the same wavelength intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually. Doing what you enjoy, instead of what you think you should be doing, also teaches you to love who you are. In doing so, you're more likely to find like-minded prospects.

Set up a time to babysit for some married friends

cmartin002@zoomtown.com (charlala) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 16:50:00 +0000

Many singles long to have a family, and this is a way to spend time with children. It also is an excellent opportunity to serve your brothers and sisters in Christ. Many parents need one-on-one time to build their marriage relationship, and the only way they get that time is when someone is willing to watch the kids. Believe me, the parents will come home renewed and very grateful for your involvement with their family.

Rush of a New Attraction

cmartin002@zoomtown.com (charlala) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 01:05:00 +0000

One of life's most thrilling experiences is to feel the rush of attraction with someone you've just met, or even someone you're seeing in a new light. It's the motivation for dating — the hope that a spark will ignite and propel you toward the relationship you seek. But what happens when the spark, rather than the relationship, becomes the goal?

There are various terms for people who live for — and live in — that initial attraction: the serial dater, the player, or the infatuation junkie. Many of us have dated one; some of us may even be one. Believe me it's understandable because I have even been there : Infatuation, the rush of new attraction, is one of nature's most delicious processes. The body releases a whole cocktail of hormones in response to a new love object. Brain chemicals like norepinephrine and phenylethylamine kick in, causing a little euphoric madness. Your heart races, your body temperature rises. I don't have to tell you what all of this does for sex.…

People who get stuck in the sparks, however, deny themselves the opportunity for a deeper kind of passion. Every lasting relationship eventually moves from the infatuation stage to an attachment stage. It's the marker of mature love and not, as some can perceive it, a sign of being too close or even falling out of love.

If you think you or someone close to you may be an infatuation addict (and you're not 20 years old), take the pattern seriously. There is likely a good reason that real commitment is being dodged, beyond the lust for constant excitement. Talking it out with a therapist can help.

How to talk about Herpes

cmartin002@zoomtown.com (charlala) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 16:35:00 +0000

Dating is tough enough, and adding an issue like herpes to the mix can create some added (and understandable) anxiety. When to bring it up? And how? What will the reaction be? Questions like these will swirl through anyone's mind as they consider starting a new sexual relationship. Getting the straight facts can help the conversation go more smoothly.

Both oral and genital herpes are the result of contact with a virus that remains permanently in the nervous system. Herpes simplex virus 1 is most often associated with oral herpes, while herpes simplex virus 2 is linked to genital herpes. However, both viruses can cause breakouts in both areas — a fact which makes it unfair that genital herpes is more stigmatized than oral herpes. "Cold sores" may come from the same source as genital herpes.

Two-thirds of the 100 million Americans with oral herpes and 45 million with genital herpes never have any symptoms. It's not usually possible to catch either of the viruses unless there is an active breakout, visible as a red rash that progresses to blisters. Abstinence (from sex and kissing) is best during breakouts. Condoms are a good idea for the times between breakouts, but even then it's still possible to transmit herpes via a process known as shedding. That risk is small, though, so abstinence during breakouts and condoms at all other times gives you the best odds of not contracting the virus.

Now, here is the ultimate step for you. Approach the herpes conversation with an open mind. Is it something you can work around? Is it a deal-breaker for the person you're talking to? Herpes still allows for a full and satisfying sex life, if both people are committed. It's important to remember that every person has some aspect of their sexuality they struggle with and a chronic STD like herpes is merely one of them. Whether you're the one telling or the one being told, knowledge is power.

Does God Really Give Us the Desires of Our Hearts?

cmartin002@zoomtown.com (charlala) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 18:39:00 +0000

As a single have you ever asked the question, "If God gives me the desires of my heart, why am I still single?" Of all the questions I've been asked, this is probably the number one question. To understand this Scripture fully, it's important to put it in context.

"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him…" (Psalm 37:5-7a, NIV).

Today, if you're struggling in your singleness, don't lose heart. These verses are key in helping you with your frustration of being single. Is your delight, your joy, in the Lord? This is vital for anyone to have true joy.

The first twenty years of my life I put much of my joy in my boyfriends. My mood swings went from high to low depending on how a relationship was going. I later realized my joy was in a man, not in my relationship with the Lord.

Our delight must be first in the Lord. It must be priority in our lives.

Thoughts to Ponder.......

cmartin002@zoomtown.com (charlala) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 18:13:00 +0000

Please know that there really is something holding you back from love and for me, it had nothing to do with what’s happening in the outside world and everything to do with what’s happening inside of me. When you end up in relationships or in dating situations that are not to your liking, your uncomfortable unconscious feelings are being reflected to you as if you were looking into a mirror. When you give yourself and people around you the reasons for why you are still single, your unconscious uncomfortable feelings are showing through the reasons you give.

Did You Ever?

cmartin002@zoomtown.com (charlala) — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 17:01:00 +0000

This past weekend, one of my close girlfriends asked me if when I was single, "Did I wonder why everyone else seemed to be happily in love while you are not? Did I wonder where all the good ones are? Did it seem that everywhere I looked, I ran across people who are not a fit for me and that many of our friends appear to be having the same problem? Did I wonder why I could not get to the second date or, at times, even to the first date? Did I wonder why I can’t seem to keep a relationship? Did I keep trying to figure out how to be better, different or more attractive, so that I could finally be in a relationship? Well, I asked her, "Have you given up on having a loving relationship in your life altogether?

This great dilemma of why you are still single after everything you have tried to do to get into a relationship baffles and bothers most singles. If only meeting more eligible people provided a solution to finding the right mate, what you have already done to meet new people would have worked. If the solution amounted to reading self-help books and learning more about yourself, then the self-learning you have already done would have helped you to attract a mate. If the solution meant talking about and processing your past in therapy, then, for those of you who have done therapy, it would have already helped you. And, if giving up on love altogether really worked, you would be happy alone, not bothered by the lack of a loving partner.

My answer to her was No, Not at all.

"Yay" versus "Nay"

cmartin002@zoomtown.com (charlala) — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 16:54:00 +0000

Single lifestyles have good and bad points. Aside from not having to take care of anyone but yourself, and coming and going as you choose without having to answer to anyone, a single person may go through bouts of anxiety, depression, and a general sense of loneliness.

As they age, they may feel that their lives have passed them by because they didn't cultivate a long term meaningful relationship with someone else or settle down and have children.

Although many married people envy those who are single, the same is true for many single people who think married couples have a lot to smile about. Although many married people, when asked, say that they miss being single, but they admit that they enjoy the married life, too.

What's turning you away from getting Married?

cmartin002@zoomtown.com (charlala) — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 16:51:00 +0000

It is not the thought of marriage that turns them away from making a long term commitment. For many individuals, it is more of a conscious decision to stay single and they feel that getting married would mean going through drastic changes in their lifestyles. They like the single lifestyle that they are living and marriage would take them out of their comfort zone.

Although they like being single, some individuals would love to get married, settle down, have children, buy a home, and live as husband and wife if the right person came along. The actually seek companionship but they won't settle for just anyone.

Although singles maintain the option of dating, whether to find a spouse, or to simply enter into a long term relationship, they maintain a position in which they can sustain from entering into any type of relationship, romantic or otherwise.

So why are you still single?

cmartin002@zoomtown.com (charlala) — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 17:08:00 +0000

Here is the untold truth. There are certain aspects of dating and being in a relationship that bring up for you unconscious, hard to deal with and uncomfortable feelings. These feelings may come from your childhood and/or from your past relationships. You are probably not aware of these feelings or how they dictate your thoughts, beliefs, choices, perceptions and actions. Even if you have been in therapy, these feelings were probably not discovered or adequately dealt with.

It is hard to cope with these strong, uncomfortable feelings on your own, so much so that you may hide them, unconsciously, from yourself. It is these strong, deep feelings that keep you from attracting or allowing the right partner into your life. Until you bring to consciousness and deal with these uncomfortable and overwhelming feelings, you are very unlikely to attract a loving, healthy partner or to have a loving, healthy relationship.

Additionally, most people don’t know how to successfully attract a healthy partner, or how to build and keep alive a thriving, loving, healthy relationship. Even people who have a library of self-help books are often misinformed about what to do about and in relationships, because they are deeply affected by their unconscious uncomfortable feelings.

What about marriage?

cmartin002@zoomtown.com (charlala) — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 14:37:00 +0000

The thought of living single has a certain appeal to it, but is it all that it is cracked up to be? Many singles, both men and women, wouldn't have it any other way and they love every moment of their freedom, not having to answer to anyone but themselves.

A single lifestyle lets you come and go as you please, spend your time as you chose, and gives you the opportunity to date and go out without the pressure of having to answer to others.

Most people who chose to go through life being single make the choice and it is not because they can't find a mate but because they cherish the freedom and the idea of not having to worry about what someone else might think or say.

In the past, it was thought that it was only men who didn't want to get married and/or settle down. They were called loners, solitary men, bachelors, and those who dated a lot were called playboys.

Today, many women, divorcees and bachelorettes, fall into that same category, declining offers of marriage, dating who and when they want, and basically keeping to themselves so they can maintain a single lifestyle.

More Reasons to Ponder.......

cmartin002@zoomtown.com (charlala) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 23:25:00 +0000

1. We need someone with whom we can "relieve your tension".
2. Marriage is what society condones as the best way to live.
3. People have ideals of love/marriage.
4. People marry for money or to be more financially comfortable.
5. People marry for stability and protection.
6. People marry to eliminate feelings of loneliness.
7. People can't fathom a life all alone.
8. Society /culture says marriage is a normal rite of passage
into adulthood.
9. Marriage is in ideal, one thing *lasting*.
10.Believe me most know that getting married is easy but staying married is a challenge.

Why would you think of leaving the Single Scene?

cmartin002@zoomtown.com (charlala) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 23:14:00 +0000

Well, let's just start with some personals reasons that may sway your thought process......

1. Two people have a unique understanding of each other.
2. They love each other.
3. They are sexually attracted (sadly, this is the main
reason these days for several people).
4. They make the same amount of money or close to it.
5. They are of similar intelligence and emotional intelligence.
6. It pays to be married when it comes to paying taxes.
7. They want children and then they want children together.
8. How about you may think you will get plenty of home cooked meals, have the bills paid, your home will be perfectly organized and nicely decorated. Hey someone to do laundry, etc.
9. You don't have to go searching for sexual relief.
10.Life with just your dog or cat is not as fulfilling as you once believed.

These are just some personal reasons I can think of but one that I heard a lot from women admitting today is just to have a man around is the main thing, whether they be in a one-sided relationship or the fact that she may be sharing the person with another prospective woman does not matter much.

Are you really able to live Single and Love it ?

cmartin002@zoomtown.com (charlala) — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 23:33:00 +0000

Each day we are overwhelmed by ads and tips for making it through this world of online dating. If you didn't know any better you might believe that in order to be complete in your life, you have to have a mate. I will ask you then if that is so true, what about all the people out there living single and apparently loving it?

In 1970 only 7.8% of Americans aged 30-34 had never married. By 2003 that number had risen to 27.9%. The reasons are many, the rise in the divorce rate, the feminist movement and the intolerance by many singles to be married just for the sake of having a partner. Add to that the fact that as people live longer there is a greater chance they will be living that way as a widow or widower.

The plus side is that it is easier than ever to be living single. Though it once may have been the norm to have a two parent household with the rise in the divorce rate many parents are doing the job alone or sharing it with their ex-spouse. I am all for counseling but we have to admit some unions are better split because of detrimental behaviors.

Despite what you may have been led to believe single people are living full and happy lives and are not necessarily looking to change their single status. That is not to say they necessarily run away from relationships but instead they feel free to not settle for anything less than the mate chooses for them. If that person comes along it is a blessing but if it never happens they certainly don't feel as though they have been cursed.

Single woman today do not depend on a partner for financial security. She has her own investments, buys her own home and has a family if she should desire. In fact single women are the second largest group of home buyers nationally. A man should never define you are as a woman because you are perfectly capable of defining yourself. And as a single men out here, I will also say that a woman definitely does not equal a complete life. You are most certainly able to create that for yourself.

Many singles feel that marriage is a full time job and for now they may have other goals they want to achieve. They may have career and education goals that take priority and if a relationship does not interfere with these goals that is fine but evidently a relationship may be a little lower on the list of priorities.

Let's not discount the population of single adults left in the wake of rising divorce rates. Living single has allowed the opportunity to reconnect with them self, after being in an unsuccessful relationship. Living single can help to define what the appealing parts of a relationship are and what they would not tolerate again.

Do not get me wrong because while it is true that for some people singleness is thrust upon them through the death of a spouse or a partner, for a growing number of others it is a conscious choice. Though many admit it was not their first choice they have come to accept life on life's terms and pursue nothing less than a full and happy life.

Living single today includes carving out a life that is uniquely your own. By the looks of it, whether they remain single in the short term or for the long haul, single men and women are finding ways to love it. But we must remember to identify why we choose to be single and remain that way.