How to talk about Herpes

Dating is tough enough, and adding an issue like herpes to the mix can create some added (and understandable) anxiety. When to bring it up? And how? What will the reaction be? Questions like these will swirl through anyone's mind as they consider starting a new sexual relationship. Getting the straight facts can help the conversation go more smoothly.

Both oral and genital herpes are the result of contact with a virus that remains permanently in the nervous system. Herpes simplex virus 1 is most often associated with oral herpes, while herpes simplex virus 2 is linked to genital herpes. However, both viruses can cause breakouts in both areas — a fact which makes it unfair that genital herpes is more stigmatized than oral herpes. "Cold sores" may come from the same source as genital herpes.

Two-thirds of the 100 million Americans with oral herpes and 45 million with genital herpes never have any symptoms. It's not usually possible to catch either of the viruses unless there is an active breakout, visible as a red rash that progresses to blisters. Abstinence (from sex and kissing) is best during breakouts. Condoms are a good idea for the times between breakouts, but even then it's still possible to transmit herpes via a process known as shedding. That risk is small, though, so abstinence during breakouts and condoms at all other times gives you the best odds of not contracting the virus.

Now, here is the ultimate step for you. Approach the herpes conversation with an open mind. Is it something you can work around? Is it a deal-breaker for the person you're talking to? Herpes still allows for a full and satisfying sex life, if both people are committed. It's important to remember that every person has some aspect of their sexuality they struggle with and a chronic STD like herpes is merely one of them. Whether you're the one telling or the one being told, knowledge is power.